Biden Declares a Thumb War Against Trump

The presidential contest between Donald Trump and Joe Biden heated up this week after the Democratic contender declared a thumb war against the President. Sources say the Biden campaign is trying to portray a more competitive nature on part of their candidate and that presenting a physical challenge against Trump will exhibit a perception of “strength” and “toughness.”

“Mr. President, I’m not messing around,” Biden announced, broadcasting virtually from his upstairs bathroom. “Today, I declare a thumb war against you.”

President Trump welcomed the challenge during a campaign rally in Iowa. “Have you seen these hands?” he declared into the microphone, waving his fingers to the crowd. “I’m going to crush Sleepy Joe’s frail little hand.”

Several observers criticized Biden, because thumb wars can be difficult to perform without proper social distancing. CNN’s Chris Cuomo countered the naysayers with a detailed plan of action. “Just require the contestants to wear hospital-grade gloves,” he suggested during his show Wednesday night. “Then throw up a sneeze guard and let the battle commence.”

Officials from each campaign heeded Cuomo’s advice. The thumb war will take place Saturday in the middle of Time Square at 1:13pm EST and will be streamed live on YouTube.