Bruised McConnell Says Cryptically: “Schumer Just Has a Great Makeup Artist”

In a controversy that has reporters and pundits speculating, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been cruising the Capital over the last few days with a bruised face and bandages all over his hands. Reporters are now pressing the Senator on his apparent ailments, suggesting that he could be dealing with serious health issues.

“Senator McConnell, do you have any health concerns the American people need to know about?” one NBC reporter asked, after lurking outside the Senator’s office for several hours.

“Chuck Schumer just has a great makeup artist,” McConnell responded with a smirk.

“Umm, are you indicating that…” the reporter responded nervously.

“You heard me,” McConnell interjected. “Schumer has an excellent makeup artist. That’s all I have to say.”

Pundits are truly baffled by the statement, wondering what a Democratic Senator would have to do with McConnell’s bruised hands and face – and why a makeup artist was brought into the discussion.