CDC Tells Social Drinkers to “Be Safe and Drink Alone”

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued guidance on Wednesday that encouraged social drinkers to stay home and drink by themselves. The agency emphasized that crowded bars can exponentially increase the spread of COVID-19, and that drinking alcohol in isolation will help save lives.

“If you’re a social drinker, this isn’t an easy time,” acknowledged a CDC spokesman, adding that he himself has been enjoying his daily scotch regime at home in isolation. “And, obviously, we’re not asking people to stop drinking altogether, or even reduce their alcohol intake. Drink as much as you’d like. Just do it by yourself.”

The CDC also recommended alcohol as a good remedy for depression, which has become especially prevalent due to social isolation. Many Americans have taken the guidance to heart.

“I had never had alcohol in my life,” said Cheryl Thompson, who is a Jehovah’s Witness. “And I’ve really been struggling with depression. I took a few shots of whiskey the other night and it was amazing. It really helped numb my pain.”