CDC on Thanksgiving Gatherings: “Every Attendee Must Bring Their Own Full-Sized Turkey”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidance on Monday for Thanksgiving Day gatherings. In the guidance is a suggested mandate that every individual who attends a gathering must bring their own full-sized turkey.

The announcement has gained mixed reaction, as some champion it as a task for the common good while others call it cumbersome and wasteful.

“Bringing your own full-sized turkey to a Turkey Day gathering makes you a patriotic American,” said Thomas Stein, a 34-year-old video game reviewer. “It’s all about doing your part during these unprecedented times of uncertainty.”

Animal rights groups had a different take. “So slaughtering 46 million turkeys every Thanksgiving Day isn’t enough?” said a spokesman for PETA. “Thanks to the CDC, we’re going to tack on millions more, and waste a whole lot of meat in the process.”

The CDC was unclear as to why they had to be full-sized turkeys, but some pundits suggested it might involve government collusion with “Big Turkey.”