Shock Poll: 98% of Children Hope Santa Defies Social Distancing Guidelines

According to a startling new Gallup poll, nearly 100 percent of all American children hope Santa will disregard social distancing guidelines currently in place in major metropolitan areas across the country.

The results presumedly stem from the fact that if Santa follows local COVID-19 restrictions, children will not wake up to any presents on Christmas day. The poll has drawn criticism from pundits who are concerned about rising COVID-19 cases, as they argue that American children seem to have little regard for the nation’s health.

“Selfish little brats,” said one Twitter pundit, who does not have children and frequently provides opinions on a variety of issues. “Those dumb little capitalist three-year-olds care about nothing but themselves. Allowing Santa to enter millions of homes one after another would bring the term ‘super-spreader event’ to a whole new level #KillerSanta”

One astute observer noted that, for decades, Santa has already been violating universal breaking-and-entering laws.