EPA Advertisement Encourages Chronic Huggers to “Try a Tree Instead”

The Environmental Protection Agency launched a new TV ad on Friday that encourages chronic huggers to try hugging trees rather than other human beings. The logic stems from the fact that human-to-human hugging can increase spread of COVID-19, and that according to research, trees cannot spread the virus.

“Are you a chronic hugger?” read the advertisement, debuting on a commercial break during a late night episode of the 90s sitcom Friends. “To all the chronic huggers out there… If you find yourself compelled to give a friend or family member a hug, try a tree instead. You’ll be saving lives.”

According to a poll conducted and published the next day, the majority of chronic huggers have no plans to heed the EPA’s advice.

“It’s not going to happen,” chronic hugger Timothy Blair told CNN’s Chris Cuomo. “Sorry, EPA, but I ain’t hugging no tree. I’m looking for human-to-human connection. Quite simply, trees aren’t going to fulfill that need.”

In somewhat related news, a new poll found that 98 percent of children hope Santa will defy social distancing guidelines.