FDA to Stop Approving Life-Saving Drugs, Cites “Fiscal Responsibility”


In an effort to promote “fiscal responsibility,” the Food and Drug Administration announced on Tuesday they would no longer be approving life-saving drugs, particularly any medications or treatments that could cure or prevent cancer.

In explaining the move, the FDA says releasing life-saving drugs into the market is like “playing God,” and if the life expectancy of baby boomers increases we could hit a serious fiscal crisis. “The problem is young people aren’t reproducing like their ancestors did,” said FDA spokesman Chad Jamison, a 23-year-old high school dropout who moonlights as a Walmart greeter. “This means fewer and fewer people paying into Social Security and Medicare.”

“We’re thinking about the children,” he added. “If we start saving the lives of all the boomers, that’s going to leave our nation’s youth in financial turmoil.”

The controversial move has drawn a mixture of criticism and approval. Much of the assent comes from millennials who are concerned about their financial future. Conversely, baby boomers say their health is the immediate concern, and stonewalling cures to cancer and other terminal illnesses is unethical.

TrollWire’s Sean Vanity flew to the nation’s capitol to get feedback from citizens on both sides of the argument. “The pharmaceutical companies are trying to play God by releasing these ridiculous life-saving medications,” said 22-year-old Jonathon Taylor, when asked what he thought about the FDA’s announcement. “And I don’t even believe in God. The boomers need to take one for the team. They’re stuck in their own little selfish bubble.”

The 55-plus demographic seems to have a different take on the subject. “I can’t believe this is even being discussed,” said Roy Bagsy, a 65-year-old boomer and runner-up to the 1985 World Chess Champion. “We’re talking about genoicide. And why? So those godless, jobless millennials can sit around smoking weed and playing Nintendo? They’re going to ruin this country, anyways.”

In related news, anti-vax proponents are rejoicing following a rumor that the FDA will be banning the measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine.

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