Jeff Bezos Ruins Christmas After Announcing He’s the Real Santa Claus

Founder and CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos ruined Christmas for millions of children around the world after announcing Monday that he is the real Santa Claus. Parents are dismayed as their sons and daughters realize that Santa is a skinny beardless man who wears plain civilian clothes and holds no magical powers.

“I have something big to tell the world,” Mr. Bezos announced Sunday during a press conference. “Santa Claus doesn’t have a puffy white beard. He doesn’t fly around the world being pulled by magical reindeer. None of that crap. How do I know this? Because I’m the real Santa Claus.”

While the announcement devastated most children, some adolescent pundits were thrilled with the news, as they realize they no longer have to “be good” throughout the year.

“Jeff Bezos is my hero,” said 6-year-old Tommy Livingston, who is known for being a troublemaker. “I can be bad all year long without having to worry about losing any Christmas presents. I’m happy with the loads of cheap Chinese-manufactured toys my parents will be purchasing on Jeff Pesos’ platform.”