Following rumors circulating around the media that he is in a coma, or possibly dead, North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un emerged from hiding on Thursday and threatened to bomb the ocean again within the next 30 days. The announcement surprised global analysts, considering it has been several months since North Korea has successfully bombed the ocean.
The alleged reason for Jong-Un’s threat is the ongoing speculation about his health. “I am live and well,” the dictator affirmed during a press conference, speaking in his best English. “So stop guessing. You reporters continue to spec…spec…uate about my health. Stop or I will bomb ocean again within next 30 day!”
The U.S. Department of Defense is scrambling to formulate a strategy in case North Korea does successfully launch another nuclear warhead into the ocean. “We must condemn the action and then threaten that lunatic like we always do,” read an internal conversation between Pentagon officials, recorded and obtained by TrollWire. “We’ll have the President say something like, ‘If you keep bombing the ocean, we will nuke your country to smithereens.’ Yeah, that’s what we’ll do.”
In related news, sources are now suggesting that North Korea’s flawless COVID-19 case record may be doctored.