Murderous 2-Year-Old Demands “Superspreader” Birthday Party

A two-year-old boy in St. Louis, Missouri is being accused of first-degree murder by social media pundits after he demanded a birthday party that ultimately turned into a COVID-19 “superspreader” event. While his parents were hesitant to host a birthday party in the middle of a global pandemic, Malcolm Thompson got his wish after throwing a temper tantrum and guilting his parents into throwing the party.

With a shocking 15 attendees, the superspreader event took place in the Thompson’s back yard, where Malcolm and five of his friends did crafts and played socially-distanced yard games. At time of publication, four of the attendees are now suffering from, what they referred to as, “a little throat tickle.”

The event caught national news after Twitter erupted with outrage from social media pundits. “First-degree murder much?” tweeted one pundit. “This murderous little toddler bullied his parents into hosting a superspreader event. And now who knows how far the virus will spread. #BirthdayGate”

“All this little punk cares about is himself,” echoed a second pundit. “This kid needs to be cancelled. #CancelMalcolm”

“I knew it was a bad idea,” Malcolm’s father said with what seemed like genuine remorse. “While it was mostly my son’s fault, I bear some responsibility. If any of these throat tickles turn into full-blown coughs, I’ll never be able to forgive myself – or my murderous son.”