Landmark Survey Reveals That Nice Guys Now Finish First

Throughout history, nice guys have always finished last. Being a shoulder to cry on put you in the friend zone. Treating others poorly would increase your close rate. The jerk always got the girl. A new landmark survey reveals that times are changing: Nice guys are now finishing first (and smart guys are, too).

Surveyors polled 5,000 women aged 18 to 25 spread out across the country, asking them questions like, “Are you attracted to guys who treat you the way you think you should be treated?” Fifty-one percent answered “yes,” 22 percent said “it depends,” and 27 percent say they prefer to be “treated like dirt.”

The survey also evaluated the so-called “sexiness of intelligence.” The majority of women now prefer to be with a guy who can stimulate their intellect, not just their emotions. Rather than getting sweet-talked to bed, they prefer to first discuss foreign policy and philosophize about the beginning of mankind (or human-kind).

The revelation is forcing young men across the country to reevaluate how they should treat women. Some are viewing it in a positive light. “Finally, as a nice, intellectual male, I can be myself,” said John Passich, a 19-year-old college student. “I don’t have to act like a jerk anymore and I don’t have to pretend to like sports.”

Other men are panicking. “When did this happen?!” protests Michael Caston, a longtime womanizer. “What the hell do I know about environmental studies? And social justice? What does that mean?”

Still, there are plenty of women who are part of the old guard. “I don’t know who these women are,” says Kathleen Terryton. “I like being treated like a dog. It makes me feel secure. It makes me feel comforted. It assures me that I will be taken care of.”

PS: As a journalist, I know I’m not supposed to do this, but I can’t help it. Back in my day, you got squashed if you started talking about global warming or social issues. But now the gals get all hot by that kinda talk. Ernie, it’s ninny old farts like you who have sparked this stupid, so-called “nice guy revolution.” And Reese, you won’t admit it, but I know you are part of the old guard.