Pentagon: “We Can’t End the Wars… it Would Kill American Jobs”

As President Trump puts increasing pressure on the Pentagon to withdraw troops from abroad, officials insist that ending wars would kill American jobs. The Pentagon emphasized Monday that it would be unethical to sacrifice American jobs at a time when the economy is already being ravaged by the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Would it be wise to put more Americans out of work just to reduce a little violence in countries that we don’t even care about?” said Jerry Stockholm, a Pentagon spokesman who admittedly idolizes John Bolton. “I think not. It’s unacceptable. If we end all of these wars, we kill American jobs. It’s as simple as that.”

While some pundits have questioned the Pentagon’s position, it has drawn emphatic praise from military staff and defense contractors.

“The Pentagon is right on the money here,” said a spokesperson for Lockheed Martin, the nation’s largest military defense contractor. “We need to preserve American jobs, and if that means continuing to wreak havoc in the Middle East, then so be it. Remember, America comes first.”

Other commentators are ecstatic by America’s overwhelming military presence in countries where, they admit, there is little need for a military presence.

“We have tens of thousands of troops in Germany right now,” exclaimed a spokesperson for Boeing, the nation’s second largest defense contractor. “Do they really need to be there? Of course not! Why would we needs tens of thousands of troops in Germany? That just shows the incredible job creator the Pentagon is. We’re giving Americans good-paying jobs to do absolutely nothing!”