Portland Rioters Admit They Can’t Compete With The Wildfires

A group of rioters in Portland admitted Wednesday that the urban fires they’ve been igniting throughout the city don’t compete with the wildfires now plaguing the West Coast. In their admission, the rioters insisted that it’s not a fair match because the wildfires have God on their side.

“Our resources our limited,” said one rioter, who goes by the name Johnny Go Go. “We can successfully burn a building down here and there, but it’s nothing compared to the destruction these wildfires are causing in other communities.”

Some rioters seem bitter over the apparently competitive nature of the wildfires, despite the fact that they are not manmade. “At least we’re setting fires for a good cause,” said a professional rioter. “It’s righteous destruction. The wildfires? They’re inflicting senseless violence to helpless people.”

One rioter, however, told TrollWire’s Harriet Faulkner that there was one thing the wildfires can’t take from them. “And that is,” he said exuberantly, “no wildfire can loot like us.”