Russians Hack Pillsbury Doughboy and Steal Top-Secret Cinnamon Roll Recipe

As Russian hackers hit major corporations and critical government institutions across America, the F.B.I announced Tuesday that hackers have infiltrated the Pillsbury Company. The news is particularly noteworthy as sources within the company say the Russians now control top-secret information, like the company’s Pillsbury Doughboy Cinnamon Roll recipe.

Federal officials, political pundits, and fans of Pillsbury products are disturbed by the development, as cinnamon rolls have long been a staple of the American breakfast.

“It’s one thing to hit our government agencies and financial institutions,” said CNN’s Chris Cuomo, who reportedly eats Pillsbury cinnamon rolls at least three times per week. “But when you hack Pillsbury, you’re hitting right at the heart of America.”