It’s been tense here at TrollWire lately. Not that that’s all that unusual. But the bickering seems to have heightened, mainly between Sean and Ernie. Sure they always disagree. You have a roughneck conservative on one side and a flaming liberal on the other side. That being said, it’s been especially contentious the past few weeks.
Yesterday, things escalated in the lunchroom when it was discovered that prices on the vending machines went up 25 cents – across the board. Ernie wasn’t happy. “This is garbage!” he shouted, when he saw the price spike. “It’s gouging. These muckraking vending machine companies are out of control. They shouldn’t be allowed to do this.”
Well, of course, Sean wasn’t going to let that go. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ernie,” he blurted out. “Don’t blame capitalism for this. Vending machine companies are people just like you and I.”
“Are you kidding me, Sean?!” Ernie fired back. “This is an outrage. Someone has to step in. I remember when a can of soda was a nickel. Now I go to buy a 12 oz. can of Sprite and it’s $1.25!”
“Okay, okay, okay, guys,” Andy piped in. “This isn’t how we do things around here. We’ll settle this the right way. Sean, to my right. Ernie, to my left. I’ll moderate.”
Five minutes later…
Andy: Okay, I have a brief list of questions. You will each have 20 seconds to respond. Joe, Reese, and all of you in the peanut gallery, let’s keep cheering and booing to a minimum. Okay, Ernie, this first question is for you… What did you mean by the “vending machine companies shouldn’t be able to increase their prices?”
Ernie: They just shouldn’t. We work eight hours a day to provide for our families. And then you have this big corporation that is literally holding these snacks hostage. They’re under lock and key, and they can just charge whatever they’d like. This is an example of capitalism gone crazy.
Andy: Thank you Ernie. Now Sean… where is Ernie wrong?
Sean: Well, first he’s a stupid liber…
Andy: Hol- hol- hold up there Sean. Let’s keep this civil. No name-calling.
Sean: Fine… Ernie is just flat-out wrong. These vending machine companies are made up of successful business owners… just like our fearless leader [The Boss]. They’re trying to build a successful business and stimulate the economy while doing it. They are the backbone of the country. If you don’t want to pay $1.25 for a soda, go fill up your thermos from the drinking fountain, Ernie.
Andy: Thank you, Sean. So Ernie, you say “someone must step in.” Who would you like to step in?
Ernie: The government, Andy! Who else would I be referring to? The Big Vending lobby… the corporate interests… they must be stopped. We need legislation instituting a 50-cent cap on all vending products.
Sean: Oh, come on Ernie! You’re such a snowflake nutba…
Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sean, I warned you. Keep it civil!
Sean: FINE. Okay… I will be civil. Ernie lives in this idealistic, utopian society where he thinks the government should do everything for us. That’s not how it works. A healthy economy has competition. We need to cut taxes. Government needs to get out of the way. We need to privatize road construction, privatize the military, priv…
Andy: Okay, that’s enough Sean. You’re getting way off-topic. Let’s move on to the next quest…
The Boss: ENOUGH! Really, guys? Another lunchroom debate? Do you guys know how much I’m paying you? Everyone get back to work!
Yep, that’s when the boss came in.
Now back to the news…