Staff | TrollWire

About TrollWire

TrollWire is the number-one news organization in the world, employing a troupe of Pulitzer-prize-winning writers, award-winning journalists, and leading media influencers. The TrollWire staff takes pride in its pinpoint accurate journalism, as our writers consistently win the most prestigious literary awards in the world.

As a whole, TrollWire is a nonpartisan news organization. That being said, it can be extremely partisan. The staff comprises an equal mixture of right-wing fascists, flaming-hot liberals, and societal-loathing anarchists. The range of opinions displayed among the TrollWire talent sometimes leads to hostility among staff members, and it’s rarely good-natured. Some employees legitimately despise each other. But this passion manifests through their writing, making the organization better as a whole.

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Staff Directory

The Boss
CEO & Founder

I own this place and all the people who work here. They are my children. That is, they oftentimes act like children. But that's okay. Because we break the stories. We report the only news that counts. 

Sean Vanity
Political Journalist

No-nonsense patriot who loves his country. I believe in privatizing the military, and you can find me at the shootin' range every Tuesday evening. PS: Don't listen to Ernie. He's a chump snowflake. Read my work.

Ernie Sanders
Political Journalist

Lenin's cool. Friedman is a dork. I enjoy volunteering at the local animal shelter, reading poetry at the park, and protesting for the right cause. Don't fall for Sean's nonsense. He's a bully. Read my work.

Andy Coop
News Journalist

An award-winning non-partisan journo who reports the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I'm the best TrollWire has to offer, much better than Sean and Ernie. Those tool bags. Read my work.

Harriet Faulkner
News Journalist

I'm the most senior staff member at TrollWire. My stories will stimulate your intellect. Crocheting is my jam. Andy needs to cool it, cuz' he ain't that cool. Read my work.

Jenny Gardner
Lifestyle Columnist

I am a leading influencer in the lifestyle arena, offering practical tips to help make you a better you. I put the welfare of others above my own personal gain. Media kit will be provided upon request. Read my work.

Mr. Terrible
Business Columnist

I am a multi-millionaire venture capitalist and business owner. My hobbies include soap carving and collecting used underwear that I purchase online. Sean is cool. Ernie is a tool. I faked my own death once. Read my work.

Joe Schmuck
Sports Reporter

Covering every major sports league throughout America, I aim for pinpoint accurate sports journalism. My industry-leading 0.1 percent correction rate is my pride and joy. Jenny is fo-ine. Read my work.

Reese Withers
Entertainment Reporter

As a renowned investigative reporter, my goal is to secure the latest gossip and report it to you in a rapid-fire fashion. PS: Despite their aggressive and combative nature, I love me some Sean and Ernie. Read my work.

Tiger Hoods
Concerned Citizen

I'm just a concerned citizen looking to improve my community. When I'm not writing letters to the editor, you'll find me listening to classic country rock and glammin' up my crib. Read my work.

Jeff Pesos
Concerned Citizen

I live in Dawson's Creek. I own the only brick-and-mortar department store left in town. My last name is Pesos, but I'm caucasian. And Tiger, would ya go get a job already? Stop complaining! Read my work.

Angel Jolie
Concerned Citizen

There are a lot of problems in our community. The citizens of Dawson's Creek and Angel Grove need to learn to get along. Love you, Tiger, And Jeff, stop being a jerk you mommy's boy. Read my work.

* TrollWire staff members do not represent any real life individuals. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. The satirical nature of the TrollWire organization is protected by the First Amendment. So lay off the lawsuits. Even if you tried, we employ the best attorneys in the world.