Stock Market Crashes After Trump Sneezes During Campaign Rally

The stock market opened 700 points down on Thursday after President Trump sneezed the night before during a campaign rally in Tucson, Arizona. Greeting thousands of supporters, the President got only a few words out before he let out a boisterous sneeze into the microphone, an incident that has put Wall Street on tilt.

“How we doin’, Tucson!” Trump exclaimed to a cheering crowd. “It’s great to be here in the great state of…ah…ah…ah…choo!”

Fears that the President’s previous bout with COVID-19 has resurfaced may have spooked investors, market experts say. “Sometimes, that’s all it takes,” explained CNBC analyst Charlie Schwarzman, who specializes in these specific cases. “An errant cough, sniffle, hiccup, you name it. It can send the market in complete and utter turmoil.”

Sources say Simon & Schuster just commissioned Bob Woodward with an eight-figure book deal on the incident. The title will be, Collapse: The Sneeze Heard Round Wall Street.