Study Finds That Living Every Waking Hour Alone Makes You More Patriotic

A new study published by Harvard University has Americans rethinking their current social habits, after the research suggested that living every waking hour alone makes you more patriotic. While the study was purely anecdotal, and was unconventionally void of data, it still found a clear link between social isolation and one’s love for America.

“In this day and age, and particularly since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s crystal clear,” said Thomas Mattison, one of the study’s lead authors. “The best way to love and cherish America is to lock yourself in your home and never come out.”

The study also went more granular, suggesting that spending more time in your bedroom – rather than areas like the living room or kitchen – increases patriotism levels even further. The ultimate goal, researchers concluded, is to interact with yourself and only yourself.

Lawmakers who are advocating lockdowns have grappled on to the research, using it to justify more stringent restrictions in their local jurisdictions.

“If you want to be patriotic, force yourself into a bubble,” said Dr. Sam Page, County Executive for parts of the St. Louis, Missouri metro area. “Speak to no one. Interact with no one. Isolate yourself from the outside world. That’s how you become a true red-, white-, and blue-blooded American.”