Un-Fitbit Product Measures How Long Someone Can Stay Still

Thousands of people across the United States have become paralyzed after using a new product made by the company Fitbit. Called the “Un-Fitbit,” the innovative new product measures how long a person can go without moving their body – in contrast to the traditional Fitbit, which measures how many steps a person takes in a given day.

Unlike the traditional bracelet-style FitBit, the Un-Fitbit comes with two bracelets, a chest strap, neck strap, and two ankle straps. Each strap has a sensor that detects whether or not the user moves their body. Anytime the user moves, the clock will reset and record the length of time the user remained still. Moreover, FitBit is running weekly contests that awards $18 to Un-Fitbit users who exceed the 48-hour mark.

The company prides itself in the product’s allegedly pinpoint precision. “The Un-Fitbit works with incredible accuracy,” said company spokesman John Carey, a former contestant on The Biggest Loser and avid fan of the Home Alone movie series. “If any part of your body moves, even two millimeters, the clock resets.”

Much like the Fitbit, friends, family members, and businesses around the world have been running contests to see how long a person can keep their bodies completely still. This is leading to widespread health issues, where heavy users are experiencing short-term or, in some cases, permanent paralysis.

A man in Los Angeles, California kept his body still for 127 hours straight, leading him to win his company contest – and, in turn, winning a $15 Starbucks gift card from his employer. When the man finally caved and moved his body, he was unable to walk, leaving him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Critics are demanding that the Un-Fitbit be pulled from the shelves, as they worry the product will increase obesity rates. FitBit responded to these demands on Thursday, saying “the benefits of the Un-Fitbit far outweigh occasional misuse of the product.” The company did not expound on these alleged benefits.

“Like alcohol, marijuana, and other recreational drugs,” the company affirmed, “the Un-Fitbit should be used responsibly. And we cannot be held responsible for the misuse of our innovative new product.”